I sat and stared at my computer screen for over twenty minutes. The words were stationary on the page, the same email I had written and rewritten for 8 days in my head. Half vacant and gripped with fear, pondering what would happen when I pressed send.
Musing over the possibilities, running the endless script of negative inner-chatter;
“are they going to laugh at what I’ve written?”… “I’m not ready for this. What am I doing? This is totally stupid.”
By the time I had finally got a grip of myself I was angry, and I had wasted over a week of headspace worrying about things I could not control.
I had made this monster bigger than me…
So I hit send
But there was no cathartic release, I was not unburdened from the shadow of anxiety that had been slowly suffocating me. I needed to deal with this now…
The problem I had encountered was not the job, but all of the existential implications that it represented; I was vehemently proud of being my own boss and running my own business, so applying for a job rocked the core foundation of who I thought I was.
It ticked so many boxes on paper, that I had applied in a heartbeat before my brain could get in the way. And that was the key. My focus was highlighting everything that this one job could potentially cost me, based on who I thought I was, and not on who it could help me to become.
My mind was closed to all of the possibilities that I hadn’t considered, my mindset was getting the better of me; building a cage around my future.
When something scares you it serves to protect you in some way. The fear that you feel can prevent you from taking action, which may save your life, but it can also limit it.
I’m not talking about avoiding skydiving because you’re scared of heights, but avoiding taking action on opportunities that will otherwise pass you by.
What is that thing that I know I should be doing, the thing I keep putting off?
Am I getting in my own way here?
And then ask yourself,
What is the real reason that I am not doing this?
Maybe the answer comes easily to you, but I often find I have to sit with it for a while and truly dig deep the bottom of what is driving that fear mechanism. What’s feeding it, because if you can do that, you’ve found the key to disarm it and get the hell out of your own way.
Give that fear a name, is it fear of being ridiculed? Fear of being rejected? Fear that you’re not worthy/qualified/good enough? Because this fear does not serve you, this is the Fuck Everything And Run version of life that holds you back and keeps you in the shadows.
And you deserve to live life without those shackles.
So ask yourself again
Why am I not taking action?
And when you get it, when you find that part of you that is scared, you can acknowledge it and begin to work out if it serves you. You can move forward in your life and towards your goal with greater self-compassion and self-understanding.
We all run those scripts, often subconsciously but it consistently reinforces our personal identity and ultimately our self worth. So the next time you find yourself thinking anything that begins with any of these:
Just stop for a moment and ask yourself why.
If it scares you, there’s a reason, and if you find the reason, you can face it and know that you are bigger than it.
Know your worth.
Stake your claim.
Seize that opportunity.
Act with integrity and honesty towards yourself, and everyone else in your life.
Take action to become the best possible person you can be.
You’ll thank yourself for it…
P.S. I didn’t get the job I was going for, but I levelled up to a whole new place of self-understanding with what I’m working on at the moment. Total win!
Thanks for reading & much love,